The Bionic Grandfathers

In our 20s all of our body parts were organic.   What we needed was always at the ready.

If we wanted to read, we grabbed a book and sat down. If we wanted to run, we put on track shoes and ran. When we wanted vertical or horizontal intimacy, we simply took off our clothes. We could eat anything we wanted without bodily repercussions. If we went to a concert we were already wearing our ears. When we got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night – on the then-infrequent occasions when we needed to – we just got up, did it, and went back to bed, all in the dark.

I’ve been conducting a survey among my male friends about what’s different about being in our 60s and 70s compared to our 20s. And what’s emerged is Bionic Grandfatherhood.

My friend Harry, 67, turns out to be the prototypical Bionic Grandfather. He’s still an active guy, an avid reader, works and volunteers, plays golf several times a month, considers himself to be virile, enjoys live musical and theatrical performances, and sleeps well but not usually through the night.

So what’s different now for Harry? “I can read but not without my glasses,” he told me. “I can walk and exercise well but not without my orthotics; otherwise my back hurts. If my wife or I want intimacy our first thought is to make sure I’ve removed my hearing aids and put them somewhere safe. Those suckers are expensive and God forbid we’d damage them in an amorous clench. It’s the opposite at concerts and plays, of course: I must make sure I’ve put on my hearing aids before leaving home so I can understand the lyrics. I can still eat spicy foods provided I take a pill first; otherwise I get messages within moments from my colon threatening to secede. And when I get up to do my business – which is often more than once a night – I always turn on the light. Who knew there would be a relationship later in life between my prostate and the bathroom light?”

Glasses, orthotics, hearing aids, pills for potency/pills for sleep, and brightly lit bathrooms: We’re still going strong, with a bit of assistance.

Gentlemen, what other bionic devices keep you going strong?

Ladies, how do you feel about your bionic husbands?

Let me know.